My Identity Story

My identity was unclear to me. I didn’t get how people could love more than one person at the same time they would love someone else. I didn’t get that LGBT was an actual thing. I didn't know that it existed. The time that I had found out that I was lesbian was when I was 13. It started when I met a girl named Marie. Marie was two years older than me.We talked everyday and she would call me nice things like “babe” and “sweet”. I had thought too much of what she was saying to me. I thought that we were connecting more than friends. I talked to Marie more than I talked to friends at school and family at home. I started to get too connected. It was about a week later that she had told me she kissed her crush at school. I was upset but also confused because I had thought that we were in a relationship. I was dealing with grief because I was only 13 and I had been new with dating people of the same sex.

I would sit in the dark in the midst of my room. I’d bump my head onto the wall because I didn’t know what exactly was going on. My mom would come into my room and ask if I needed to go to the hospital. I was depressed. I knew that too. My mom denied it. She had no clue that I was experiencing dating girls. All she knew was that something had been wrong with me. I was acting different. I started to get thoughts of suicide. I took my arm and stared at it. I questioned who I really was. I would bump my head into the wall harder everyday. I’d go to the same spot in my room and cry. I hurt myself. I thought that I was stupid and crazy because I knew that I liked girls.

I was never really into boys. It was only in elementary school where I thought I had to be into boys because every other girl had a boyfriend. I thought that since everyone in my class had one, that maybe I should have had one to fit in. I decided to move on with that thought and ask a boy out in my class. Clearly, he said no but I told everyone that we were dating anyways. I knew it was wrong to lie but at that moment I didn’t seem to care for anyone’s feelings other than my own. It came to the point where a boy actually asked me out and I had said yes. My whole class made our heads bump and chanted for us to kiss when really I wanted to throw up. I had anxiety, I felt sick and scared because I had never had a boyfriend that everyone knew about. A day later with deep thought I saw the boy walking in the opposite direction of me and I told him, “I’m breaking up with you”. I could tell that he was confused and hurt but I was feeling the complete opposite. It was then that he responded with “Screw you, Dynasty”. I kept walking.

I learned from Marie and that boy in Elementary school. I knew that I didn’t like boys because I felt uncomfortable when he held my hand and my actions toward boys weren’t like they were with girls. With Marie I felt different. It’s not as if Marie was more good looking than him but I just didn’t have feelings or attractions towards him at all. Or any boy. The name calling that Marie had given me was different.. It was something new that I had just discovered. I had learned not to make assumptions and to stop comparing wanting attention to fitting in.

It wasn’t until the 8th grade that I had the confidence to show off who I really was. I was new at Cal Prep in middle school. Everyone was new, but I was a couple of months late. I met my first teacher, Ms. David. When I was dealing with grief the only way I knew how to continue living was with her advice. I told her about my past relationships and my discovery of myself. She really understood. We started meeting 1 on 1 in private to talk. I had a deep connection with them. She wasn’t like my sweet advisors or my other amazing teachers. She was like all in 1. I would always ask for her advice.

I felt distant from my body. I felt dizzy and weak. I couldn’t laugh or smile anymore. It felt like everything was dark and quiet. I couldn’t find friends to hang out with. I would hang out with people that just made me even weaker at the end of the day. I didn’t know how to communicate. Then, she got busier and busier and I couldn’t go to anyone who was like her. I knew that I could go to counselors, teachers, mentors.. But I didn’t feel the same walking out of a room after a conversation with her. I felt needless. I just wanted so much to sit in the dark and cry. This year though, I found the right person to hang out with along with having the same connection with other teachers that I had with her. I still miss it with them sometimes though. I miss it with my life:{